
Submitted by Heather (via email)

100 Things Not To Say During Sex
  
* But everybody looks funny naked. 
* You woke me up for that? 
* Did I mention the video camera? 
* Do you smell something burning? 
* (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead.... 
* Try breathing through your nose. 
* A little rug burn never hurt anyone. 
* Is that a medic-alert pendit? 
* Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 
* But whipped cream makes me break out. 
* Person 1: This is your first time, right? Person 2: Yeah..today. 
* (in a Motel) Hurry up!! This room rents by the hour! 
* Can you please pass me the remote control? 
* Do you accept Visa? 
* ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 
* On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 
* And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend. 
* So much for mouth to mouth. 
* (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, ok? 
* Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober. 
* (holding a bannana) Just a little trick I learned at the zoo. 
* Do you get any premium movie channels? 
* Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 
* (preparing to use peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch. 
* Got any penecillin? 
* But I just brushed my teeth. 
* Smile, you're on candid camera. 
* I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 
* I want a baby! 
* So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies. 
* (in a threesome) Why am I doing all the work? 
* Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth. 
* Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 
* I think you have it on backwards. 
* When is this supposed to feel good? 
* Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs. 
* You're good enough to do this for a living. 
* Is that blood on the headboard. 
* Did I remember to take my pill? 
* Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 
* I wish we got the Playboy channel. 
* That leak better be from the waterbed. 
* I told you it wouldn't work without batteries. 
* But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. 
* If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 
* Did I tell you my Aunt Marha died on this bed? 
* No really, I do this part better myself. 
* It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate. 
* This would be more fun with a few more people. 
* You're almost as good as my ex. 
* Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 
* Is that you I smell, or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 
* You look younger than you feel. 
* Perhaps you're just out of practice. 
* You sweat more than a galloping stallion. 
* They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 
* Now I know why he/she dumped you... 
* Does your husband own a sawed-off gun? 
* You give me reason to believe foreplay is overated. 
* What tampon? 
* Have you ever considered liposuction? 
* And to think, I didn' even have to buy you dinner. 
* What are you planning to make for breakfast? 
* I have a confession.... 
* was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home. 
* Are those real or am I just behind the times? 
* Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 
* Is that a hanging sculpture? 
* You'll still vote for me, won't you? 
* Did I mention my transexual operation? 
* I really hate womem who think sex means something. 
* Did you come yet, dear? 
* I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're 
  fantasizing about. 
* A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time. 
* Does this count as a date? 
* Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you. 
* Hic! I need another beer for this, please. 
* I think biting is romantic, don't you? 
* Q: You can cook too, right? A: (whaddaya think I'm doing?) 
* When would you like to meet my parents? 
* Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. 
  Woman: Yourself? 
* Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 
* Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 
* Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed. 
* (in a phone booth) Would you mind if I make a few calls? 
* I hope I didn't forget to tuen the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 
* Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman. 
* Sorry but I don't do toes. 
* Could you at least ACT like you're enjoying it? 
* Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO. 
* Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper. 
* I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". 
* So THAT'S why they call you Mr. Flash. 
* My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer. 
* Is this a sin too? 
* I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain. 
* Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 
* Long kisses clog my sinuses. 
* Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise. 
* How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
