
This article was originally written by Charlie X for Phrack Magazine.


INTRODUCTION

Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest growing
fast food chain, McDonald's. The founder, Ray "Crock", wanted an
environment where families and friends could get food with friendly service
at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.

To top everything off, McDonald's attacks decent food establishments by
criticizing the food content... not like you'll find anything not
genetically engineered in McDonald's food... Everyone must realize that
McDonald's sucks, and you must do your part to put the fucking place out of
commission...

As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an attitude,
from the management to the customer. They, as most restaurants do, firmly
believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is true even when the customer
is an asshole with blind disregard for everyone and everything. This is
where you come in... Here are a few things that you can do to put your
local McDonald's in it's place...

Recently in the news, a major group sited McDonald's as the most
environmentally responsible establishment on the planet (note: this is even
over green peace and Sally Struthers)... how the hell is this possible?


SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK

McDonald's is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers free or
reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all you have to do
is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish an ad in the local
newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be cheaply made) which explains
that a certain day/week, your local McDonald's will recognize senior
citizens with free food, coffee, senior activities, you know... a big
senior social. You may want to mention that other organizations will be
there to speak and make the whole "event" decent...

Now, if your McDonald's already offers free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas,
this will definitely break them, and cause them to order much more supply,
and could even cause them to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the
day... on the other hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old
people asking for shit will certainly piss someone off... This has been
tested, and as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize
and reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this Day,
but they never turned up anything.


GARBAGE CAN TRICKS

Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags fill up
quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There are several
things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask for hot or boiling
water. If you don't want to attract attention by doing this, bring in your
own really hot water... boil it, put it in a Styrofoam cup or a thermos...
once in McDonald's, locate the filled trash can (should not be hard to
find) and dump the hot water down the side. Not only will this melt the
side of the bag, causing the trash to go everywhere, the person who takes
out the garbage must pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash
can with water in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper,
and makes the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.

Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take the trays
sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all the cans. This
will either make the employee fish them out by hand, or will cause the
restaurant to be short of several trays, which becomes quite annoying.


FOOD TRICKS

There are several things to do with the food. Since there is probably
something wrong with it in the first place, you might want to simply make
the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant, cut some of your
hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table, place the hair all over the
inside of the burger. When the line at the counter is long, and everyone is
busy, cut up to the front of the counter, and start complaining about your
burger. Show EVERYONE the hair inside the burger. You will get another
burger, and most likely, a lot of free shit so you will come back. You will
also cause most everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get shit on
by the manager.


ON A BUSY DAY...

Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the employees...
everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay attention to what you say,
or get very pissed. Ask for real dumb shit... For example, "I'd like a 69
piece Chicken McNugget." The best thing to do is to order a simple
cheeseburger, and screw it all up with special orders... For example, "I'd
like a cheeseburger, with extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra
onions, lettuce, tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well
done... oh wait, I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on
it... [wait for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh,
wait, sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium
Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you say...
Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can order a
hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in there, casually
mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this works... and you don't get
charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere
in the kitchen, your grill order was printed, and will be made... so change
it after you hear that.

In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a Penny," Where
people put in their loose change in case someone else is short some
money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I made $42.71 from
stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in my area... This is a
good secondary income for lazy people.

If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you just want a
soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your money, add an
item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process until you have what
you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You can also have the cashier
repeat your order as many times as you wish, also wasting time.


THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER

McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers, and employees
like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep asking dumb
questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually order anything...
just hold up the line with your questions. Here are a few questions to ask:

* "How is your meat prepared at the factory?"
* "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?"
* "Who was the BigMac named after?"
* "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?"
* "Where does your (pick a vegetable) come from?"
* "How fresh is your (McD product)?"
* "What is the square root of 69.666?"
* "What is the nutritional value of a 9 piece McNugget box?"


DRIVE-THRU FUN

McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes up for more
than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put, this system needs
a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you usually get your order
screwed up. The first thing to do is to take your car and back over the cut
square in the pavement right beside the order sign several times. This
causes a loud annoying "bong" to be heard by everyone with a headset...
eventually the manager will come out with a weapon, and this is where you
leave.

Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot of
butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually, people in the
drive thru service will laugh or screw something up, and you will get
yelled at by the manager... waaah.

If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep your window
down to listen to other orders. After you receive your food, park and enter
the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and tell the person on duty
that your order was screwed up... it helps to remember what someone else's
order was, and then you just ask for that... you will get it. Sometimes,
you even get free food for having a screwed up order.

This prank requires guts, but can be somewhat amusing. Simply drive up in
front of the sign, turn your engine off, and go inside the restaurant and
eat. There's always room to park in the drive-thru lane... You could also
tell the drive-thru person that your car stalled, and you will have to call
the motor club. This can put a drive-thru out of commission until you
decide to move your car.

If you happen across a McDonald's that is expecting deliveries, or has
cleaned the parking lot, you will notice traffic cones. You can move these
cones around the drive-thru sign. Some people are stupid and will drive
thru them anyway, so you may want to place a sign saying "DRIVE THRU CLOSED
-- SORRY - MANAGEMENT." You can also place a legitimate order at the drive
thru and right after your order, you can put a sign on the drive-thru sign
saying the same "closed" message. The drive thru sensor does not sense foot
traffic, so you can walk up to the sign and put one there...

The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When ordering,
mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the microphone is
cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger
with no Sa... and extra (crackle) and I'd also like a Med(cut) Oke." When
they ask you to repeat, do the exact same thing. Remember, that as soon as
you drive up to the sign, they can hear everything in your car... even if
they are not talking. As soon as they ask for your order, turn your stereo
up real loud, and begin to say your order... this screws everything up...
Also, ask for a hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you
have the guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them
seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the ultimate
action, putting your local McDonald's out of business.

If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful handheld
transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew. The antenna is
located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has a receiving radius
of the entire store and about half of the parking lot. You can add stuff to
peoples orders, or just screw around. Drive thru people have noticed that
illegally powerful CB radios, side band radios and even some car phones can
be picked up with the headsets. Be innovative and use these to piss the
employees off. If you do not have access to one, simply hide behind the
sign, and shout extra food or obscenities at the sign...


GREASE DISPOSAL FUN

This next trick involves little or no intelligence, or imagination, but
seems to get people every time. Behind McDonald's, usually found next to
trash cans or the empty soda-syrup containers, you will find a large drum
marked "not-fit for human consumption" or "inedible contents." Although
these warnings belong in the food, they mark the grease vat. This is
tightly sealed for a reason... it smells like dead human. They are also
easy to open. Usually, you can loosen the ring around the top and open the
lid. Be sure to cover your face when you do this... it does smell like
shit... The nice thing about this is that the smell will cover the entire
parking-lot area in roughly 10 minutes. Chemically, the smell will cause
nausea, and definitely a loss in appetite. People will get sick everywhere,
and definitely cause a loss of customers at McDonald's...

A simple addition to the previous trick would be to tip the can. The grease
will probably have hardened, but on a warm day or if the black can is left
in the sun, it will leave a sticky, raunchy mess in the parking lot that
will be impossible to clean up, and will stink infinitely. This is a way to
make the trick more damaging and longer lasting.


DUMPSTER FUN

McDonald's, or any fast food restaurant usually has a high volume of
garbage output (not including the food). If you can travel around and find
large objects, you can dispose of them in the trash containers. If you clog
them up, not only will the store have to pay for an extra collection of
trash (to remove what you put in there), They'll have to pay extra for
later (or earlier) you do it, as well as what kind of objects you put in
there. You can also put the empty silver soda containers, bread racks, or
even signs and loose McDonald's shit in the trash. They won't appreciate
the loss, and it's gonna cost them money at both ends. Lame but definitely
effective.


PHONE ORDER PHUN

One thing that is not very well known is that McDonald's accepts phone
orders. This is a simple process. A serious, adult sounding voice can call
a local McDonald's and claim that they have a large order that they would
like ready for pickup. You supply a BS phone number, a BS name, and a BS
order. The larger it is the better. Usually give about a half an hour to an
hour notice to have the order ready. Good reasons for the orders are
usually family get-togethers, meetings at local universities, etc. The
university excuses are much better, because you can supply a college phone
number (found in the phone book) and if they call (the usually don't) to
verify the order, they will get the office, and will think it's legitimate.
This prank is a beauty because after the manager takes the order, it is
given directly to the kitchen, who begins the order. Again, they very
rarely verify the orders, so it is easy to pull these off. To make this
prank better, you should throw in mass quantities of food items that people
NEVER eat -- Filet O' "Fish", Fajitas, etc... You can also call them back
at the time of pickup, and say "sorry, we decided to eat at burger king..."
DO NOT enter the restaurant and ask to buy the items at a cheaper price,
like the old pizza man trick... that's just lame.


COMPUTER PHUN

A nice thing about McDonald's is that it is linked via computer (and modem)
to OakBrook, Illinois. Check your local phone book for a McDonald's with 2
lines. The second line is usually the computer line. You may also try
Information. If you aren't able to get the number, read these next 3
parts...

* McDonald's are listed by Restaurant number in the phonebook. You can
retrieve the number, then call the restaurant, asking for the manager. When
the manager identifies himself, with his name, you write the name down, and
tell him to get bent or something. With that information, you can call
McDonald's 800 number, or any McDonald's Corporation HQ number in OakBrook,
Illinois (they will relay your call). You say you haven't been receiving
updates or any purchase orders, you identify yourself, and your store
number, and location (city, state...). They will check the listings, and
read off the phone number of the computer. If they won't give it to you,
they will allow you to change the computer number, where you give them your
enemies phone number or something, and they will get called by modem
repeatedly...
* Call your local McDonald's, identify yourself as Bill Haggan of Computer
Services, McDonald's, Oakbrook... etc. Say you are updating your records,
and need the computer telephone number. Get the number, then give them a
bullshit verification number.
* This is not very imaginative, but it works... it's also risky... wooooo.
Find the phone box, open the user service box, connect any phone with an
RJ-11 adaptor to the box and type your local ANI number (211, 811-9967)
etc... do that for each line that enters the restaurant. Then reconnect
it... you have the numbers.

Now that you have the numbers, there is a lot you can do. It is not wise to
enter the computer. Although goodies are buried there, any changes you make
are corrected that night with a verification call. It is also verified
voice. However, everything in the restaurant is connected to the computer.
Once you call the number, and connect to the computer, just sit there. The
computer freezes all time clocks, order programs, etc. Every display will
be marked "BUSY." This prevents anyone from punching in or out, the manager
from checking labor, printing schedules, do inquiries about anything...
basically interrupt most managerial and owner duties. If you find a
constant busy signal, this is very easy to correct. Simply ask for an
operator interrupt. If the operator breaks in, the beep will hang up the
modem, allowing you to call right in. This prank does have profound effects
on the McDonald's. It is highly recommended.


FREE SHIT AT McDonald's

Yes, I do mean shit... If you are involved in that fucking money crunch
like everyone else, and you feel that your money should be spent on better
things, rather than shitty food, here are a few pointers for free food.
These have all been tested. If you are caught in the act of getting free
food, nothing will happen, and it will be a big source of amusement...

* Cheeseburger

     On a busy drive-thru day, you can ask for a special order. Ask for a
     hamburger with an extra item, like mustard or something, and casually
     sneak in "extra cheese." If the employees are stupid enough (a given),
     and the grill doesn't question it, you will find yourself with a nice
     fresh cheeseburger for the price of a hamburger... whoopee...

* Any Item

     The BEST thing to do is order something in the drivethru, and then
     come in the restaurant with the bag from drive thru and say "You
     forgot ..." If you ask the employees at the counter, 9 times out of
     10, you will get it... To be on the safe side, you may want to go
     home, call the McDonald's, say you went through the drive thru and you
     didn't get your food item. You can give a bullshit name or whatever,
     usually they don't even take the name, and the next time you go in,
     you say you called, and you will get gift certificates or free food...
     works every time.


BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS

If you want to attract a certain degree of attention to yourself, and make
employees and customers laugh, when you order food, fuck up the names to
say something cool... You'll still get the food you don't want, and this
too is a source of amusement. Spur-of-the-moment name bastardizations are
by far the funniest, but here are a few suggestions...

* SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac (shmegma is Dick Cheese)
* CHICKEN McFUCKUPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece)
* McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...)
* CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice)
* McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this?
* FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)


IMPORTANT

Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun... Just take the
"fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate for the asshole
"folks" and the shit "food."

If you get bored, start harassing kids on the playland or just break
shit... throwing salt shakers (plastic or glass) at the outside wall of the
McDonald's is fun too... take advantage of whatever there is in
McDonald's... there are infinite possibilities to create your local
McDonald's an utter McHell. Don't consider it illegal (most of it isn't...)
consider it more of a public service. Yeah... That's it.
