The Game Review, 57

.x#$$#x. `:$$$$:' The Game Review! .x%#$$$$$$#%x. .x#$$$$#x. .x#$$$#x. `""""$$$$""""' .S$$$$$$$$S.$$$$$$$$$Ss $$$$.sS$Ss.$$$$ $$$$$`$$$$ $$$$$ ************* $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$',$$$$ *ESTABLISHED* $$$$$$$$$$$ """"`$$$$ $$$$$$ ****1995***** $$$$$$$$$ sS$Ss."$$$ $$$$$$ pn `-------------- $$$$$$$$$$$ ------------' $$$$$$$$'` ~VOTED #1 SCENE MAG/REVIEW BY INTERNET USERS~ (a while ago) ~TGR IS PROUD TO BE THE LONGEST RUNNING WEEKLY SCENE MAG/REVIEW, EVER!~ ~~CELEBRATING OVER *3* YEARS IN THE SCENE~~ .a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$a. $$' . `$$' `$$ ' `$$' s `$$' s `$$ $' $ $$ $ $$ a a $$ $ $$ $ $$ ISSUE #57 $ $ssss$$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ssss$$ $ o o$ $$ $ $ $$ sssss$$ssss. $$ 07/05/98 $. $ $$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ $$ $$. $ ,$$ $ $$ $ $ $$. $ ,$$. $ ,$$ `$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$&@%o%@&hd' "All the games that are fit to print...and some that aren't." Un-Realistic: "I have never played a game I didn't like." -Stupid Idiot Realistic : "This game sucks!" -Ionizer ____________ News Updates ============ -This is a special July 4th weekend edition of TGR...there really isn't any- thing special about it, it just happens to be July 4th weekend. Hope my fellow Americans enjoyed this weekend and celebrated by blowing up a part of your country. (Simpsons joke knockoff) -Please note, due to the fact that no siteops have come forward to help TGR with obtaining access to games, next weeks issue may not be out b/c my current source will be down for upgrades. -The virus "Win95.CIH.1019" was spread vastly throughout the scene due to it being contained in Mech Commander, MK4 Trainer, and many other titles. For full info, go to www.scenelink.org. The only Anti-virus program out there, that currently detects it, is AntiViral Toolkit Pro. I got the virus, even though I scan everything with Mcafee. So be alert. ============================================ HOW TO GET THIS MAGAZINE ON A REGULAR BASIS: ============================================ TGR is released on Sundays, at approximately 8pm (EST). It can be obtained in 2 different ways. The first method obviously being the easiest and best: ***************** ***NEW ADDRESS*** ***************** #1 TGR Web Page: http://www.monmouth.com/~jionin ------------------------------- (Over 85,000 Served) (Note: Contains all issues and gets them first) #2 Through irc, you can dcc from me the newest issue only, simply type: /msg ionizer xdcc send #1 - * - * - * - * - * * - * - * - * - * - GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES! [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] -Rating scale: (0-19)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked! (20-39)/100 = Still crap but slightly better. (40-49)/100 = Possibly worth downloading. (50-69)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out. (70-79)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type. (80-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download. (90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download. 100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME! RATINGS are based on the game idea, graphics, sound, playability, ingenuity, versatility, and a lot of other words ending in `ity'. These games are based on what happens on MY COMPUTER ONLY, unless stated otherwise. I always first follow .nfo directions, and if those don't work or are not available, I then try other ways. So just b/c it doesn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't work for you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -<*><*> THE GAME REVIEW (c) Ionizer <*><*>- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- NAM (c) GT Interactive [xx/11] ______ /| ___ /\______ /\______ / \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1 / |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9 < | < / | / | \/ | \ 9 \ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8 +=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+ -Filenames: CLSNAM??.ZIP Take your Duke Nukem/Redneck Rampage or whatever game engine this is and combine it with the scenery of Vietnam and add some vietnamese leaf eating motherfuckers and you got Nam. If you think about it, this is really bad taste on behalf of GT Interactive, trying to profit off the war that brings back horrors to a lot of old farts. I mean can you picture some 13 year old kid playing this and then grandpa, who fought in Nam, walking in and watching his grandson playing this game. He'd either have major flashbacks, a heart attack, or kill his grandson for enjoying it. Anyhow, you won't be amazed by the graphics nor anything in this game. It's basically like adding a new scenario to the old game engine. But hey, then again, maybe if grandpa fuck- ed up the first time and wasn't like a Forrest Gump, he could play this and feel better about himself or something? RATING: 59/100 Pro Bass Fishing (c) Wizard Works [xx/11] /\______ /\______ ____/\______ __ \____ \/ \__ \/ _ \____ \ __/ \____ / _/ _/ \/ / / / _/ _// / / / / / / \ \ /\ / /\ / / \ \/ /\ / / / \__/\ \/RTX______\___/\__/\ \/ / /_/_/ ======\___)===\__)============\___)=\/======= -Filenames: PROBAS??.ZIP Another fishing game. The usual bait to pick from, colorful, frogs, lobster, fresh cunt, etc. You find a spot with your boat and cast and sit. It's as much fun as watching a virus program report that you have 500 .exe's with a virus. No wait, hold on, I don't know if you could handle that much excite- ment, so be careful. Usual fishing stuff, nothing special. RATING: 64/100 House of the Dead (c) SEGA [xx/33] ▄██▀██▄ ▐█▄ █▄ ▐██▌ ▐██▌ ▀ ▀▀ ▀▀ ▀▀▀▀▐█▓▌▓█▀▀▀ ▀▀▀ ▀ ▀ ▐██▌ ▐██▌██▄▀█▀██▄▀██▄▐█▀▐█▓▌▄ ▐█▀██▄▀▄██▄ ▐██▌▄██▀ ▐▓█▌▌ ██▓ ▐██▌▌ ▐██▌██ ▌ ▐██▌█ ██▌ ▐██▌ ▄██▀▄██▌▌ ▄▄▄▀▄██▌ ▐██▌██▌ ▐██▌█ ▐██ ▐██▌▐██▌ ▐█▓▌▌▐██▌ ▐█▓▌▌ ▐█▓▌█▓▌▌ ▐█▓▌█ ▐█▓ ▐██▌ ▀██▄█▀█▌█▄▀██▄█▀█▌█▄██▀▄██▌█▄▐█▓▌▀ ██▓ ▄▄▄ ▐██▌-bd! ▀███▄███ -Filenames: PDMHOD??.ZIP Well, supposively Backlash's release of this game was a beta, even though I found no errors in their release and I beat the game all the way through. This one will also takes up an extra 60 megs, but what can you do. Oh, and since I originally reviewed this game in non-3dfx, let me tell you about the 3dfx version...actully it's not 3DFX, but it's still faster and better look- ing. Basically it ran a lot smoother and the graphics were less pixelated and overall better viewing. For the original review, see issue #54. RATING: 78/100 <same as before> Adidas Power Soccer 98 (c) Psygnosis [XX/69] /\______ /\______ ____/\______ __ \____ \/ \__ \/ _ \____ \ __/ \____ / _/ _/ \/ / / / _/ _// / / / / / / \ \ /\ / /\ / / \ \/ /\ / / / \__/\ \/RTX______\___/\__/\ \/ / /_/_/ =====\___)===\__)============\___)=\/======= -Filenames: APS98??.ZIP You'd think with the money from Adidas, they coulda made this one a little better. It doesn't rank too high up their with the others. The graphics support 3DFX, but it doesn't look like too much was used to take advantage of that. You constantly have the screen bombarded with this annoying and not fast enough 3D Text saying "Kick Off" or "Throw In" and it doesn't come and go fast enough, leaving you sitting their for a few seconds, which adds up over the period of the game. Also the guys look like mummies or something when you start the game, fucking ugly mother fuckers. I found it very easy to score a goal also, just ran (and they run fast) and shot. It has a good amount of setup options and tournaments and stuff, but compared to Fifa 98, it doesn't match up. And 69 disks w/o even having the commentary (which is in the available addons) is kinda big. Sorry Psygnosis, but like Wyclef Jean says, if you need help, try, try, try again. RATING: 63/100 Rampage World Tour (c) Midway [xx/45] ______ /| ___ /\______ /\______ / \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1 / |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9 < | < / | / | \/ | \ 9 \ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8 +=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+ -Filenames: CLSRWT??.ZIP Minor controversey over whether it's beta or not, and it's believed it is. I did however take notice that when playing with two people, and if one of the players dies and you don't continue, twice my pc would fuck up and then I would see the "It is safe to shutdown..." and then I had to re-do my bios. The old classic Rampage returns to the PC. However, it's got a few additions to it now. The people and stuff look more cartoonish, the characters look more 3D. Remember how there was like the stuff to eat in the buildings? Well now there's LOTS of different things to eat, and throwup. And now they throwup when eating something bad (I wish they shit too, be cool). For you idiots who don't know what Rampage is, you have 3 monsters (oh and you can play all 3 at once now) and basically you're given a 2d screen w/ buildings and people and you eat the people and destroy the buildings by punching and kicking. There's lots of levels that each have their own uniqueness or new kind of character or something, but it still can get boring playing by your- self, so make sure you play with at least 2 or 3 ppl. Nice conversion to the PC, but it woulda been cooler if they did a 3D version where you kinda look down over it like a map, but closeup, but oh well! Nice game, but nothing especially hot. RATING: 71/100 ==================================== HotDog Stand - The Works [XX/30] <EXTREMELY STUPID LARGE DIZ REMOVED> ==================================== -Filenames: DKHD??.ZIP Rememeber that text game called Lemonade stand? It was the one where you had to order the right amount of sugar, lemons, cups, etc depending on the weath- er for that day? Well take that and add in more options like attendance, event, etc. and you have HotDog Stands - The Works (even though I just like ketchup). Basically it's a graphical version of that game and it relies on your horrible management skills (no, it's different than managing your hard drive.) It might be fun for your 7 year old brother, but if you find it fun you might want to check to make sure you still don't wear those pajamas with the feet on them. Actually if you still wear pajamas at all, well then, this game is great for you. RATING: 54/100 ==================================== IND Releasing presents: Virtua Fighter Directors Cut [xx/41] ==================================== -Filenames: INDVF??.ZIP It's always beautiful when an Independent person releases something that doesn't work b/c it gives the major groups out there bigger egos, and right- fully so. How FUCKING HARD would it have been to run the .exe you zipped so that you could see it asked for the CD of the game? Morons. RATING: NA/100 ⌐──────────────────────────────────────────¬ Microsoft Golf 1998 Eddie Bauer Special Edit. ╒════════════════════════════════════──────· │ ▄▀▀▀▀▀▀▄▀▀▀▄▄▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▄ │ █ ▀▀▀▀▄ █ ██ ▀ ▀▀▀█ ▀▀▀█ ▀▀▀▄ ▀▀▀▄ ▀▀▀▄ █ │ █ █▀▀▀█▄ █ ▀▀ █ ▄▀▀ ▄▀▀ █▀▀█ ▀▀▀▄ █ █ █ │ █ ██▄▄▄▀ ▀▄██ █▌█▄██ █▄██ █ ██ █ ██ ██▄▀ █ │ ▀▄▄▄▄▄▄▄█▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄█▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▀ │ ····■■ d r e s s e d t o k i l l ■■···· ╘════════════════════════════════════──────· ·released: 07.98 ≡ rate: 76% ≡ Disk [xx/48]· ╘══════════════════════════════════════════╛ -Filenames: B-GBSE??.ZIP Absa-FUCKING-Lootely beautiful! 2 in a row that don't work. Hey if we get three in a row that don't work, I think that should count for an out. Which, uh, doesn't mean shit....uhh I gotta go now and uh sit in the corner. RATING: NA/100 ======================================= The Factory Deluxe [XX/20] <HEY DK, CHANGE YOUR DIZ, IT'S TOO BIG> <diz ripped, that sounds weird> ======================================= -Filenames: DKFD??.ZIP This is basically the same as The Hot Dog Stand game, but you own and operate a factory and stuff. Same kinda graphics, cartoonish, and same company. Uh unless you think your going to be the next beanie babie or giga-pet manufact- urer, don't get this. Besides, after the past 3 weeks, your cable modem or modem deserves a vacation. RATING: 54/100 Fields of Fire (c) Empire [xx/20] ______ /| ___ /\______ /\______ / \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1 / |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9 < | < / | / | \/ | \ 9 \ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8 +=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+ -Filenames: CLSFOF??.ZIP Wow! What a piece of shit! This is a horrible strategy game. The guys are the size of my penis after a cold dip in a pool. The sound effects, when they choose to be there, suck and the continuous "blip" static sound made b/c of the absence of a sound effect is quite annoying. It's pretty hard to make a bad RTS nowadays, but Empire managed to do it, so congratu-fucking-lations. RATING: 40/100 =================================== K O K A & C U J O R E L E A S E S [[ Ringer King ]] [[ 01 Disk ]] =================================== -Filename: RKING.ZIP Don't be mistaken by the name, this ain't no boxing game. In fact it's prob- ably the furthest possible game from it. Horseshoes is what this is. And wow it sucks. Basically you have a cursor moving from left to right at the bottom and you have to click it at the right point and then you get to see the video of some fucking old fart tossing it in correspondence to your lack of hand-eye coordination. Music is annoying and reminds me of a circus. However it was nice to see a new 'genre' of games, and I hope to NEVER SEE IT AGAIN. RATING: 37/100 Jet Fighter 3 - FULL BURN (c) Mission Studios [xx/68] ______ /| ___ /\______ /\______ / \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1 / |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9 < | < / | / | \/ | \ 9 \ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8 +=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+ -Filenames: CLSJFB??.ZIP This game was very iffy. First I ran it in windows despite the fact it says to run in dos. And it was ok, but when I went out of the mission and then tried to load it again, it locked up. So then I tried to run it in dos and it gave me some error with the .dat file and didn't run at all. So basically I had to run it in w95 despite what the nfo said. And even then it wasn't perfect. Anyway, it's the usual flight sim, graphics even with the 3dfx are not that great, I've seen better sims than this one. Music was left in which is nice since it's the only sound you'll hear. Keys are in the keys.txt file which is helpfull. Woulda been nicer if it wasn't such a pain to run. Only bother if you feel you had to d/l something this week. RATING: 72/100 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- <*> THE GAME OF THE WEEK <*> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -And this week's goes to..........NO ONE! Everything sucked too much and I didn't feel anything deserved it. And I couldn't possible give it to Rampage World Tour knowing it was a beta and will be released again in final format. And I couldn't give it to Jet Fighter III - Full Burn because it was too much of a pain to run and get working properly. So sorry, no one wins. I guess though, if you didn't download House of the Dead the first time, even though I noticed no actual game playing differences, then I'd say get that. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- <*> CORRECTIONS <*> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -As Snoopy used to say ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- <*> LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO <*> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THIS MAGAZINE IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER, CONDONES THE PIRATING, STEALING, OR ANY OTHER ILLEGAL MEANS OF OBTAINING SOFTWARE. I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS AS A RESULT OF READING THIS MAGAZINE, NOR HAVE I DONE ANYTHING ILLEGAL TO OBTAIN THE REVIEWED GAMES. IF YOU LIKE HOW THE REVIEW OF A GAME SOUNDS THEN BY ALL MEANS PURCHASE IT AND SUPPORT THE SOFTWARE COMPANY. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- <*> CLOSINGS <*> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Hope you found this weeks reviews helpful, please feel free to write and say anything you want, I even welcome hate mail! -Ionizer [THE GAME REVIEWer] Comments/Complaints send to [email protected] (NO GAME REQUESTS) .a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$a. $$' . `$$' `$$ ' `$$' s `$$ $' $ $$ $ $$ a a $$ $ $$ $ $ssss$$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ o $$ $$ $ $ $$ sssss$$ $. $ $$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $$. $ ,$$ $ $$ $ $ $$. $ ,$$ $$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$ $$' o '$$$ $ $$' s `$$ `$$$$$ $$ $ $$$ $ $$ $ $$ $o $$$$$ $$ $ $$$ $ $$ $ $$ ~' o$$$$$ $$ $ $$$ $ $$ sssss$$ %. ^$$$$$ $$ $ $$$s s$$ $ $$ $$ $$$$$ $$. $ ,$$$$@. .@$$$. $ ,$$ $$ $$$$$ `$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$hd' Copyright 1995,1996,1997,1998 Ionizer Inc. #167A939