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The Net Monkey Weekly Report, 21 by The Net Monkey Weekly Report (NWR)

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Netmonkey Weekly Report Issue XXI Oktoberfeust 26!, 1998 Another week, another bunch of shit. But we are actually on time this week, or pretty god damn close to it! We made alot of progress, next week we will have some ascii's to go with the text version and in the coming weeks expect to see our coded version. We do have a diz though, so thank god for that. We have Jaydee's report again and part 2 of the STH saga. And I've received alot of msgs from people asking us to really expand and report the news and things. So we will do our best, but feel free to volunteer to help out, or give us the scoop on a story, anyways enjoy and see you next week. Lester [Co-Editor/Head Writer] Another week.. ... etc.. Glad to see some sites come back.. hope more come back soon. This mag will soon be coded, offered on IRC, hosted on its own domain, and have a 1/2 hour primetime special on FOX every Friday night.. ("When Couriers Attack!!")... or smth like that.. we are still in negotiations with them on the title.. ;p Anyways, its nice to see the mag take off like this, and its good to know ppl are reading us.. To all the site-ops out there who are nuking the mag: Wake the fuck up! .. what is 5k of crap going to do to you? Let the magazine filter through your site, and then down to some other sites, where currys who may not be "elite" enough to have access to it can freely grab it... To all you other siteops out there that are supporting us: thanks! Oh, and... thanks to PaleDeth for doing us a .diz!! ;] ndetroit [Co-Editor/Head Fatass] -----------[ index ]----------- I.) Intro a) Lester b) ndetroit II.) Stats - Weekly Stats, and comments on Sites. III.) JAYDEE'S (UN?)Biased Courier Report IV.) Articles a) PaleDeth and his Aerosmith Obsession - PaleDeth b) Movie Review - Apt Pupil c) Lesters Story - "Stairway to Heaven", Part II V.) Scene News - All the news thats fit to print VI.) Rumors! (yes! we have rumors this week!!) VII.) Closing -----------[ ndetroit's sites and stats section ]----------- Hrmm... things seem to be a bit better this week than last.. Looks like ET made a comeback after the IP scare, and a few other sites are back in action too.. so, nice too see... There wasn't a lot of megs released this week, for some reason, tho... wacky.. That will change soon, i imagine, as xmas is right around the corner, and we all know how crazy things get at that time of year.. If any of you siteops out there feel like helping me out, and giving me or Lester your weektops at the end of the week, that would make me all happy and peachy and shit... save me a lot of work, anyway.. Thanks a bunch duranged, you saved my ass this week.. heh.. heheh.. heh.. i said "ass"... heh.. cool.. heheh..... Hrmm... lets see, what else?... i heard IC was coming back soon, but then..i hear that every week, and do i see it back? nope. I put FF on the list this week.. Its a decently fast site, has a lot of good ppl trading to it, and its pretty damn consistent. But basically, i put it on the list, because i don't see a lot of sites out there that are really standout sites any more.. Thats too bad.. i guess they have all been narked... ;( Uhh.. is E back up, or what? someone gave me a weektop from it, but the none of the usual gang of traders seem to be on it.. Does E suck now, or what, ppl? In light of the fact that i wasn't sure whether or not i got the right E, i only made it a 2x site this week. Deal with it. On happier news, TMS is coming back soon, so that should be something to look forward to. Not much more that i want to say about that, as it is going to be a considerably more private site this time around than last.. =--------------------------------------------------------------------------= Sites are rated on a 3X and 2X scale.. if you want to know why we do it that way, read an old issue. Couriers get 10 points per site they get #1 on, 9 points for 2nd place, 8 points for 3rd, etc, etc. Sites are rated by us. If you don't like the ratings, then.... heh... fuck off and die.. =--------------------------------------------------------------------------= The Top Ten sites for this week are: x3 STH -*- FS -*- MW -*- ET -*- HOL x2 LA -*- E -*- RDX -*- ROC -*- FF ---=NETMONKEY COURiER REPORT=--- trader group STH FS MW ET HOL LA E RDX ROC FF pts pos ----------------------------------------------------------------- tc VGN 2 3 3 4 7 2 0 0 4 4 157 [1] officedog RiSC 3 8 1 0 2 4 0 1 3 3 135 [2] dragoth DEV 0 6 2 0 0 3 0 2 0 0 106 [3] redman DMS 0 4 4 0 1 0 0 5 1 6 105 [4] garoto DEV 8 7 7 1 8 0 6 6 0 8 100 [5] lethal RiSC 7 9 4 0 4 0 0 0 7 5 78 [6] slammar DEV 4 0 0 2 0 0 0 0 0 2 72 [7] kruzin RiSC 5 10 5 6 10 0 7 7 6 10 66 [8] siim AOD 0 0 9 0 0 0 0 4 0 9 52 [9] jaydee DEV 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 50 [10] * = no weektop this week. =--------------------------------=--------------------------------------= -----------[ Jaydee's Biased Courier Section ]----------- Jaydee's Biased Report Ok, this week wasnt very special. Not alot was released so the weektops are kinda lame. #1 had 2-300 megs on almost every site. This week I sent the weektops of the 7 sites I picked as top sites just to let you see Im not THAT biased. (Note to readers: Jaydee did send us the weektops, but we will not be printing them here, for privacy reasons -nd) The sites is ET/STH/HOL/MW/FS/LA/FF. Since thoose lamers in risc keeps deleting me from HOL I was about to leave it out but some lamer got me the weektop. (Hi stixbitch). So lets take a look at the groups. Dimension. Ohh my GOD, this must be their worse week EVER. (They have a pretty short lifetime though). Redman was kinda representing but damn, they should do much better with all thoose prewhores. MNM. I think they are fucking dead. I dont know but their iso section is the only group representing the name MNM. The could just as well kill the group since its obvious, IT WONT BE WHAT IT USED TO BE. RiSC Like I mentioned earlier risc deleted me from their best site HOL. This I *think* is about some little fight I have with Eternal where he dont have ANY ARGUMENTS or atleast he never tell me wtf is up. Anyways, Officedog and Kruzin was doing pretty good. Brain tried to trade but I guess it didnt work. Donno, he sucked anyways. Did good on their own sites but that was about it. VGN They got themself a small team now. My bitchin last week made them trade I guess. Tc owned at #3 at most sites. darkwolf owned STH and lethal did some average results. Winning STH grouptop means they have something going on. DEVOTION The group of the week. Slammar doing good cause of Siege pre┤s. whitesnake cause of Fallen pre┤s and myself Cause of PFT pre┤s :))) Garoto did his usuall weektops, but had some shell problems cause of the liu.se situation. BUT the MAIN reason devotion owned was dragoths comeback. Even though he used a little slower shell he managed to enter the weektops. NICE WORK! EQL Blckbull and dawn trading or preing. They need Snap. AOD Morbid and Siim did their shit. Nothin special. Need more traders I guess. RC Alex doing good. Sirbubu too. Nothin else. Boring group I guess. =----------------------------------=----------------------------------------= -----------[ Articles ]----------- --------------------[PaleDeth and his Aerosmith Obsession]---------------------- Ok.. it was a slow week.. Very little to write about.. S^J was going to have an all-star scene report on the state of the utils scene, but he still hadn't gotten one or two groups at press time, and i needed to get this thing out, so look forward to that for next week... In the mean time... uhhh... well... lets just say PaleDeth has a lot of time on his hands... <g> -editors By PaleDeth: I have come to the conclusion that Aerosmith, the band, are all couriers. Just listen to the song "i dont wanna miss a thing" The song goes: I could stay awake just to hear you breathing Watch you smile while you are sleeping While you're far away and dreaming I could spend my life in this sweet surrender I could stay lost in this moment forever (obviously singing about a rival courier being away) Well, every moment spent with you Is a moment I treasure (here he's singing about a site) I don't wanna close my eyes I don't wanna fall asleep Cause I'd miss you, babe (he/she is tired cuz he/she has been couriering all day but still wants to do some more) And I don't wanna miss a thing (here he's singing bout a pre) Cause even when I dream of you The sweetest dream will never do (any real courier have dreams of couriering like a bad ass) I'd still miss you, babe And I don't wanna miss a thing (that pre again) Lying close to you Feeling your heart beating (The modem obviously) And I'm wondering what you're dreaming Wondering if it's me you're seeing Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together And I just wanna stay with you In this moment forever, forever and ever (what courier hasnt fallen in love with a site) I don't wanna miss one smile I don't wanna miss one kiss (Those 2 are typos.. should be release) Well, I just wanna be with you Right here with you, just like this I just wanna hold you close Feel your heart so close to mine And stay here in this moment For all the rest of time (singing about his modem again) well thats solid proof ain't it? i think so! Furthermore i think it was Bill Gates who killed JFK. -PaleDeth =----------------------------------=-------------------------------------= =---------[ Lester's Movie Review Section ]----------= Sure he's a prominent scene member, leader of the #1 courier group, and former "Miss Scene 1995".. But did you also know that in real life, Lester's real name is "Roger", and he hosts a popular syndicated television show, where he plays a big fatass who has nothing better to do with his time than go to every single movie ever released? Well.. now you know.. Apt Pupil Starring Ian Mckellen and Brad Renfro Based on the Novel by Stephen King Rating: 2 and a half stars/4 Interesting story, the movie is about a 16 year old kid who takes a rather obsessive interest in the Holocaust and nazi's. After researching everyone, he comes across a man in his own town who he has discovered was some general in the war for the nazi's. He confronts this man with his information and tells him he wants to know everything about it: everything he did and felt during the war. So right off, you know this kid won't grow up to be Mr. Rogers. He's a little tweaked in the head... but aren't we all? I don't want to give away the whole story or anything, and I never read the book so I cannot say which was better, but I have a feeling the book probably was better. There are some funny moments and some disturbing details of what the germans did to people during the war. But all in all the movie is not really anything special. It doesn't have that extra something to keep you talking about it. Some good performances in there by the stars and even David Schwimmer has a role as Guidance Counselor, as well as Joshua Jackson from Dawson's Creek(pacey). So the movie has it's perks and I'd suggest seeing it if your a Nazi and you want to relive old times, or if you need something to see. I would definately rent the movie though when it's out, it is worth seeing. Cya =----------------------------------=------------------------------------------= ------------------------[Lesters Story]----------------------------------- The Ongoing adventures of Lester and his gimp friend Ndetroit. The Stairway to Heaven - Part II IN LAST WEEKS STORY: Lester has gone been killed, and asked by God himself to fix the the Stairway to Heaven. He embarks upon his quest, coming across many strange and wacky people. All the while, he just can't stop wondering to himself: "Where's VGN?" FROM LAST WEEK: This is when I noticed the 4th person, huddled in a corner, and to my great shock, it was ............................. AND NOW THE EXCITING CONCLUSION OF "THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"!!!!! It was NDetroit!!! After cleaning Nd up I asked him how the fuck he managed to end up in this place getting fucked in the ass again, because if he really enjoyed that lifestyle he didn't need to come here to get it I'm pretty sure. He told me that after hearing of my death he became distraught and felt that he couldn't go on, so he had slit his wrists. Suicide being a sentence of hell, The Dark Priest had assigned him to eternal gangrapes in this whorehouse. I remembered hearing the name "Dark Priest" when talking to that Xavier fellow, so I was not sure what to make of this. Nonetheless Nd said he was not staying here and was going to follow me around and hopefully get returned to the world of the living, or at least a better hell. So we started out to continue the mission. On the way out I told Rockz I had dispensed of the troublemakers upstairs and she thanked me and asked if I wanted to eat strawberries from her mammoth chest? (which if I wasn't on duty and this wasn't a Hell Whorehouse, I would have accepted!) I decided that The Dark Priest, being the employment office of Hell, would be a good person to talk to about finding unseedy characters, so I had Nd lead me to his office, a 30 story building that looked alot like the building that was blown up in Oklahoma City. Sure enough, upon entering, the secretary was none other than Timothy McVeigh! I asked to see Mr. Priest and he told us to sit and he would see us shortly. 14 days later, Timmy boy told me I could see Mr. Priest now, so we got up and headed in. As an afterthought I turned around and shot a rather large hole in the face of Mr. McVeigh, as even in Hell he didn't deserve to live. I must say that The Dark Priest's office was rather impressive.. A massive room with pillars of screaming souls, gargoyle statues that came to life now and again, rearranging the rooms design each time you glanced at a wall. On his desk, a few family pictures, him fucking that Giselle girl, him shaking hands with the big man himself, Satan. A few other personal items, and of course a torture rack in the far end of the room, that was cleaned now by an unlucky fellow who was forced to lick the blood and guts off with his tongue. I greeted Mr. Priest (as he liked to be called) formally and sat down. I nodded at the janitor and asked who he was and how he earned that job? He laughed and told me that was Garoto, a child rapist and sheepfucker. He got off on licking the asses of sheep, so his punishment was to forever lick up the disgusting messes in Hell.. pretty fitting eh? Nodding, I decided to get down to business. I said, "I need to know where I can find Hawkeye, the head of this VGN renegade group." He replied with a laugh, "You NEED to know huh? I know where he is, but I see no reason to tell you or your anally raped friend there." I grinned and said "Well I won't bother to draw a weapon on you, as I assume that won't be so easy as to just shoot you, so let us barter shall we? What can I do for you to get the information I need?" He took a moment to think it over and said, "If you can take care of a small nuisance that I have, and bring me his heart or head, whichever is convenient, then I will give you the information you desire." I asked who this nuisance was, and he replied "Ukyo. He is a smalltime peddler of misc. narcotics and items that people search for in this purgatory. I grow tired of him... even Hell has some standards." I nodded and said, "Take me to him, and I will handle it." A few minutes later I was standing in front of a small rundown house. I walked up to the door and gave it a little knock. A thin drugged out man answered and asked what I wanted, and then sneezed in my face. He blushed and said sorry, my hell is to have eternal allergies. I nodded and said hey I can help you with that. He brightened and I shoved my 12 guage barrel in his mouth and cleared up his sinus' real well. Moving along I saw Ukyo, not much to say about the fellow, but he was, as TDP had said, a smalltime peddler. I withdrew my sword and sliced off his head & ripped his intestines out. I picked up his head and was on my way back to the employment offices before he hit the ground. I threw the head onto Mr. Priest's desk and said, "A deal is a deal, give me the information I need to know." The Dark Priest nodded and said, "Hawkeye likes to hang out in the bar at the end of the stairway, plays poker and shit with some losers down there." I thanked him and headed out. The bar was a small joint called "Primary Link". The bartender was a thin, spectacle wearing freak named Zer0t. I ordered a Jack & coke and surveyed the room. In the back of the bar was the poker game that Mr. Priest mentioned. I didn't recognize all of the players, so I asked Zer0t who they might be. He said the first guy was Xtremist, an egotistical bum, can't hold down a job even in hell. Word is that The Dark Priest won't even let him in his office anymore to apply for a job. The little kid next to Xtr, was Spherehawk, a half boy, half sheep that sticks to Xtr's side, and the rumor on that is that Xtremist has a thing for sheep, so he keeps the boy around for when he gets lonely. The 3rd guy was a decent sized fellow who went by the name of Silent Joe. The name being significant because of his lack of a mouth in hell, he can no longer talk. Last guy is Hawkeye, the man I've been looking for. He's not really what I expected, not overbearing in any way, no where close to the behemoth that was Mandrake From Vancouver. But you can see the fire behind his eyes while he plays. I ask Zer0t what he thinks of this VGN fiasco, and he said that most of the people in here were in VGN at one time, he himself was, and Xtremist over there, and the girl urinating for all eternity in the corner, Jess. I told Zer0t that there would likely be some trouble and he should keep his head down, I told him to stay with Nd so that Nd wouldn't go off getting assraped again... I pulled up a chair and asked if I could join the game, and Silent Joe made a gesture for me to sit, but Hawkeye tore the chair out and yelled "Who the fuck are you to join our game?" I didn't really expect it to go this quickly, but shit happens right? I grabbed his hand and and give a hard twist, dropping him to his knees. Xtremist jumped back and made a move towards me. With my other hand I drew the glock and put 2 bullets in his shoulders, dropping him in pain. The Sheepboy screamed and baa'ed and clung to him. Silent Joe just sat there and watched it, so I turned my attention back to Hawkeye, who was now in tears as I hadn't released his arm. I asked him where I would find Gimi and why he was destroying STH. He said he didn't know what the fuck I was talking about and to let him go. I twisted harder, withdrew my knife and jammed it into his thigh and twisted, saying, "I will ask you again, where is Gimi?" he replied , "I don't KNOW what your talking about god damnit!!" But in his pain I saw a glint of hope flash up, and so I pulled the knife, spun and slammed it into the head of someone with a baseball bat behind me. Turning back to Hawkeye, I said, "Who the fuck was that?" Whimpering, he replied that it was "Dark Druid, my lover" I began to think, is everyone gay? Is Hell like prison or something? But, I had business to take care of. Firstly, I noticed that Xtremist had begun to try to crawl away and I didn't feel comfortable letting a Sheepfucker roam the streets. So I blew a hole through his back, and decided as an afterthought that a half-sheep, half-boy combination was not cool, so I killed it too. I was beginning to get pretty angry with Hawkeye's lack of cooperation, so I decided to turn up the heat a little bit. I cut off his nipples, broke all of his fingers and both wrists and asked again, "Where the fuck did you put Gimi?" Now at the point of shock and delirium, he said that Gimi was in the back room, and Zer0t was holding him. A flash of anger went over me, as I had left Nd with that son of a bitch! I snapped Hawkeye's neck and stormed back to the bar. Zer0t was gone and so was ND! I went around back and there was Zer0t, fucking Nd in the ass, with Gimi tied to a bed blindfolded. I walked up behind Zerot and slammed my 12 guage barrel up his ass and had him dismount Nd. I told him to bend over, and I would give him the best ass reaming of his life.. and it's a cleansing too! Obviously not a very smart man, he did bend over, and I blasted his ass, literally. Picking Nd up and throwing him over my shoulder, I untied Gimi and asked if he was ok. He said that he was and he thanked me over and over. I said we should get back to the Stairway and fix the problems VGN had caused. He agreed and upon arriving there, I saw Cyber Angel grinning and waiting for me. Gimi announced to everyone that the Stairway was once again open, and would be maintained by a new team of Angels called DMS! Gimi repeatedly thanked me and told me to come visit when I died. I said I would and then headed off to talk to Cyber Angel. I figured since I had done such a swell job of fixing everything, they might let Nd come back to life as well. Nd had pretty much gone into a state of shock, what with being ass raped 2 weeks ago and real life, dying and still getting raped in Hell and then on the way to Heaven. It's been a rough 2 weeks for him. Alex said that Nd could return with me as well and if we were ready to go, we could head back at once. I shook his hand and said to look me up if they ever needed anymore help. Before going I asked if any of this killing was going to go against my record for getting into Heaven? He laughed and said as long as I kill bad people I wont have any problems, which is fine by me! We made it back 3 months after we left. (Alex had said that the timing was a (little off on their whole "beam me up" thing). I tossed Nd into his bed and sat down to check my messages... I had 218 messages waiting. So I grabbed a beer and wondered if there might be another adventure in those messages... Who knows? The END! -Lester -----------[The Scene News]----------- All the news thats fit to print... and then some... -OH MY GOD!! VENGEANCE WAS #1 ON STH!!!!! VENGEANCE WAS #1 ON STH!!! ermm.. *ahem*... i guess i will calm down now. Nice work VGN guys.. nice to see you guys actually win on your WHQ... TC was pretty damn out of control on pretty much every other site, too, so.. hrmm.... VGN #1 on STH.. what is the scene coming to?.. *sigh* -ET is back. E is back? Good. -SPA is pretty much dead. Origin has now announced that they can no longer conscienably be a member of the SPA without upholding its rules.. and really, how can they be a SPA member, and still compete with the big three? -There was almost nothing released this week, a fact already iterated by some of the other ppl writing here.. hrmm.. SUPPLIERS!! WORK HARDER!! (four legs good, two legs baaa'aad?) -VGN came back to life.. Dev is coming back to life... RiSC has finally managed to get its cheaters do what they do best.. cheat. DMS is hurting, and MnM is dead.. what a wacky wacky scene this is.. -Still no blackacid.pheared.com (yes.. i *AM* holding my breath.. fuck off!), but defacto2 is updated pretty regularly, and CWS is still clockwork... good job over there by all that crew.. -Ho hum.. thats all for now, i guess... a slow week.. and that's GOOD NEWS... two scoops of raisons go out to duranged for helping nd with weektops this week, and CoolChaoS, cause he wanted his name mentioned, and nd couldn't think of where to put him! BAHAHAH! -sky masterson =----------------------------------=------------------------------------------= --------[Stories from the Watercooler]---------- Ahh yes, rumors, we all love them even though we love to say how much we hate them when they are about us. And these are some of the better ones circulating around this week. Email us or find us on irc if you have a good rumor you'd like entered, your name will not be included, but we do not add rumors like that say "Tdpriest is having anal sex with Fusion" because we know that Fusion is only having sex with Xtremist and therefore there is no hard evidence of that rumor, so if you have real rumors, let us know. Let's begin! -Rumor has it that MANiFEST (mfd) are releasing fakes! Thats right, apparantly they took something that was released as "V5.4-PFT" and edited the .INI file, to make it look like "V5.41-MANiFEST".... wacky! -Rumor has it that it will be harder than tdpriest's cock at a "4H" convention to get onto the new TMS... nice to see some sites are tightening up, anyway. -Rumor has it that mandrake (former DMS) is having some domestic problems with his new boyfriend, and may be returning to the scene to make a triumphant comeback, perhaps bringing the ailing (?) DMS back to life.. -Rumor has it that Eagle_1 has DIED!!! Not only that, but he has been dead for more than a year, even tho RiSC continued to look to him for leadership and guidance. His body is apparently embalmed in a giant tomb, buried underneath #ascent.. no confirmation on this yet, but it sure would explain a lot, eh? =-------------------------------------=--------------------------------------= Well friends.. Thats about it. If you've read this far, we sincerly thank you. We like to know this thing gets read, so if you get the time, drop one of us a quick msg, and tell us what you think, give us suggestions, tell us it sucks, or just say "hi" to us!.... Greets fly out to: jaydee, mgd, stix, tdp, hr, eci, jamili, raptor, skill, mandrake, zeus, speedy, subzero, [email protected], dee, sj, paledeth, dur, tech+his crew, Kusa, ssava, acidapple, and all the rest of you that we love... Find us on IRC in #nwr (channel returning soon!), or email us at our phearsome address: [email protected] take care.. peace. -ndetroit + lester. NWR 10/26/98
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